The new single “Carolina Bridge” by Haven Hill. Be sure to check them out on Facebook and become a fan!

If the whole world would just “get this”, it would be such a better place to live in….Including me.  I can tell myself all day long my dreams, but at the back of my head is that lil voice echoing of everyone that ever told me I was nothing…..

It seems more and more in the news I open my homepage, or turn on the tv to find another child dead from suicide.  I am sitting here crying thinking about a 14 year old I just read about.  Seems he wasn’t “manly” enough for his fellow classmates and he was bullied.  Bullied to the point of seeing no way out but to take his own life.  Last week, It was an 11 year old that seen no other way out but to take his own life.  One of my children turns 11 in 2 weeks.  I have 2 boys.  One is a tuff kid, a football player, doesn’t take anything off of no one.  The other is shy, both caring but one doesn’t stand up for himself, but is QUICK to stand up for others.  One of my sons doesn’t play sports.  He doesn’t play sports because of 2 medical conditions.  The “what if’s” have started going through my mind.  What if my kids (either of them) are not what their classmates think they should be?  I can not imagine my life without them and I can’t imagine my life with them now not comfortable enough to come tell me.  I honestly don’t think we will have a problem with bullies at this point because my kids tell all their friends their mom is crazy and they are the wrongs ones to mess with-but what about when it is out of my control?  My oldesn’t had a 3rd grade bully.  Made his life hell for like 2 weeks.  Finaly he cried and he told me about it.  I went to the school (true story), this bully walks up to me and said, “I am your kids worst nightmare”.  Shocked and bipolar-I then let  him know I was about to be his.  Couldn’t help it, my motherly instincts kicked in and I wanted to snatch him up.What I did Next may not have been the right thing-ok, yeah it was because you know what?? IT WORKED.  I went to the principal, complained-yes, the kid had been in trouble before and he went into a 2 day suspension.  BUT after school, I seen the kid.  I seen his bus and I followed him home.  I went to his home and talked to his mother.  I let her know what he had done and that today would end him “being my kids worst nightmare”.  I never had another problem with that kid.  BUT I do know that as they age, there will come a time when I can’t just do that.  What can I instill in my children for them to know that as they age, they can always come to me?  I can not imagine the pain of losing a child to suicide because they were being picked on.  How do we all end this where no child feels so tortured that they see death as the way out?  My soul would die if my child commited suicide.  I literally don’t know what I would do.  The sad thing is that the bully’s usually have bully’s.  The bully’s usually are parents, family members, etc.  I noticed today while I was at school for a meeting about my sons vision problems, there was a child that had “an outburst”.  Seems he became angry and flung a chair across the room.  As the child sat there, I was beside him waiting on my meeting to continue while they dealt with him.  I said, “you ok?” He said, “yeah why do you care?”  I told him  he seemed upset and that I was a mom and that would bother me if no one checked on my child if he was sitting alone and upset.  A tear rolled down his face.  He wanted to look at me, but it was like he was scared to have an interaction that might show he cared about anything really.   I said, “what ever is bothering you, you maybe should talk to the school councilor if you don’t have anyone at home to talk to….”  I couldn’t help but notice his worn out clothes, unkept hair and his closed off body language.  I hear the assistant principal call the mom.  I heard the mom yelling and screaming as they informed her he was now going to some kind of alternatvie school.  I got teary as I realized this “bully”, this angry little kid probably had not had arms wrapped around him in God knows when.  When was he told he was loved?  Was he told that he meant the world to someone?  I felt a lump come up in my throat as I thought of my son that was his age.  I asked God as I sat there, what made one child more lucky than the next?  Do you get what I am saying???  Why are my children feed, clothed in the best clothes, jewelry, shoes, hugged, loved, able to attend anything activity they want while this one clearly had nothing?  And what was he going to face when he got home?  I literally wonder what happens when the anti-bullying isn’t helping the bully?  Don’t we need to focus on them both?  Something is lacking somewhere and i don’t claim to know the answers.  I know I could never be a teacher because when this child walked in the office, my southern roots took hold of me first and I thought, “he needs his lil’ ass snatched up and taught you don’t talk to grown ups like he talked to those teachers”. 

I finished my meeting about my son.  I always point out that he is NEVER to be called handicapped, he is NEVER to be treated different and they are NEVER to draw attention in anyway to his differences.  Because I know those bullies are lurking…they are waiting to pounce on anything different.  I buy hearing aids that are way more than I can afford so they are small and blend in with his hair color and though I can’t hide Nystagmus, he does very well at controlling it and as I have written before, has a great attitude.  He has learned if he don’t make it a big deal…it isn’t a big deal.  But what’s next?

What if they don’t understand he likes musicals? He loves music.  He loves science.  He doesn’t like the traditional southern things-wouldn’t kill a dear if it walked right by the dear stand laid down and had a sign on it that said, “SHOOT ME”.  He would cry if he killed an animal.  What if his kindness and tenderheartness taked for something else? 

I think tonight I will research my local anti-bullying charter, see what It is all about and see what I can do to help.  I seriously think we need to not only look into stopping the actual bullying, but be there for the bully and see why they are the way they are….yeah, I need to find out exactly how far my sons’ school goes to mean zero tolerance.  I want to know the facts and I am going to find them out.

I tell myself “you  can’t change the world…” because I do get so upset over things like this.  But maybe we can….if each person steps up to see what they can change, how they can help…we will never know until we ALL try.

I can’t imagine ever losing my child.  But I will do everything possible for them not to leave the world by suicide from being bullied.  I pray for all the families that have suffered tragic loss of young lives—and I dont’ just say it, I mean it. 

one of my heros <3

Everlast - White Trash Beautiful (by EverlastVEVO)

HAVEN HILL PROMO (by HavenHillband)

This band is truely amazing.  I am blessed to know the drummer-he is my son’s assistant coach and just so talented.  #switchbladelife is amazing.  Check it out…

Lil Wayne - How to Love (ON SCREEN LYRICS) (by UTubeProductionz)

With each day passing in my life everything becomes more clear.  Would I change anything?  Probably not, because everything good or bad shapes who we are.  And honestly…I kinda like myself.  Having said that, I spent years hating me.  Never happy.  Always something to change, somebody else to be…and internally I guess at times I still struggle.  Everyone spends so much of their life looking at other people, instead of looking in to see who they really are.  I am so many things, like my tag line says from a Nicki Minaj song, “I am a girl that can never be defined….”

I spent years being nobody because that is what I thought was expected.  Born in the south, raised in the south….never leave the south…well not me.  I did leave.  I experienced things and people that made me who I am.  I was so sheltered from what the “real world is” that many things shocked me.  I was naive to many things, but one thing I can honestly say I never was even as a sweet tea southern girl, was judgemental.  I first moved to Baton Rouge, LA.  Lived there for many years.  If New Orleans isn’t a culture shock, nothing is.  I lived in “family housing” at LSU.  Where for the first time, I was the minority.  I was one of the only white families there.  I was exposed to so many cultures.  My husbands best friend was from South Africa.  I learned of his heart aches, his family being killed. His family was once considered “royalty” but now, Mr. Sherriff could NEVER return to his home land.  I learned what “blood diamonds” were.  I was amazed that people were being murdered and land taken away from the people it belonged to because they were sitting on a diamond mine.   I had a best friend from a small island called Tuvalu.  North of the Figi Islands.  I learned so much from her.  Her family was also “royalty” and had a lot of money.  Infact, she was a millionaire. But you never knew it by the way she lived.  She taught me her dishes from her homeland, made me native jewelry, she baby sat my son CJ when he was born.  She was outcasted from her family for a bit because she was “promised to someone” and along came an american to do reasearch on the soil on her islands and she feel in love.  It is house she ended up in America.  A lot of Korean people lived there.  I remember family members coming to visit and saying, “how do you stand the smell of the rice”.  Funny, I never noticed…My son’s first best friend was from Canada and the other was from Ireland.  I have moved to other places, but I have to say deep down south was the most educational.  Othere places, I learned.   I learned they thought I talked funny—and the whole time I thought, “their accent is weird…” lol.

I write this to say that I am glad for every experience I have had.  A guy I meet actually on Twitter named Klutch a.k.a @gameshifta did a song and I was listening to it this morning.  The line in it is, “don’t talk about it…be about it”.  It got me to thinking.  There are many more things I want to do in this world before I leave it and I am not just talking about it…I am doing it.  I am taking a leave for a while to work on some unfinished projects that I have put off too long….I do photography on the “side”.  But why on “the side” when it pays more than the medical field I work in?  I write and love it.  I have 2 kids books waiting on illustration—why let them collect dust?  Everyone that reads them likes them.  So why not take a chance?  I paint as a hobby, but have sold some of the things I have done (nothing major, but fun stuff)…so why not focus on the things I love and see what happens? 

yeah…i’m gonna be about it.  No more talking about it.  Nervous?  yes, but why look up 20 years down the road and wake up one day (OR NOT) and wish you had done it.  I am not wishing anymore….one of my favorite artist is Nicki Minaj (i am sure you have noticed) and in one of her songs, “fly” she talkes about everyone trying to box her in….well folks, I am tired of being boxed in.  I can do what I want.  I always hated sterotypes—-so if you have one on me,  you can go on and smash that bitch, cause I’m bout to…..have a good day people!

My oldest son is about to be 11 years old.  When he was 6 months old, he was diagnosed with Nystagmus.  “A rapid, involuntary, oscillatory motion of the eyeball.”  For which there is no cure.  I was told he would be legally blind.  Never drive, play sports, attend regular schools, or READ regular books.  A bit more info on Nystagmus is that my child is not albino, as most Nystagmus people are.  Nystagmus people tilt their head from one side or the other in order to make their eyes slow down.  My son has always looked to the right.  This is called a “null point”.  He has had 2 eye surgeries, where they go behind the eyes and pull the muscles up, therefore if looking to the far right is the best vision, i basically pulls the focal point to the center then forcing him to hold his head up.  When the dx was first made, I was at a loss.  Didn’t have a CLUE what it was, though I had worked in the medical field since I was 16, never heard of it or maybe never thought enough of this uncommon name to remember it.  There were a lot of tears of uncertainty that flowed through my new mom eyes.  I did research, seen the best specialist in different states.  I pulled myself together and took the advice of my husband.  It was what it was and we would move forward.  Early on we decided together that we would NEVER call it a handicap and NEVER let him feel sorry for himself.  Never tell him what he would be unable to do.  Yes, he would have to try harder, but EVERYONE has trials and he could either triumph or have a pity party in which, I would have no part of.  From daycare givers, to future teachers, I meet with each of them and explained that at no point would he be called handicapped or be called out on something by being treated different.  Through the years it hasn’t always been the best situation.  I more than once had my madea complex come out when I found that more adults were rude than children.  Early on, my son could not keep his head still, it was as though his head kept the rythmic beat of his eyes.  At a movie theater once the people said, “I wish he would keep his head still”.  I am still to this day proud to say I in fact, did not “catch a charge” but once my son was lead away I had a nice southern girl conversation with them that I bet they still haven’t forgotten.   As my child grew older, though I was told there would never be a cure and I was told so many things he would never do, he started to see things by the time he was 3?  One day we stood in the parking lot and my husband and I shed a river of tears as he looked up and pointed and said, “plane”. 

My son through the years developed an amazing ability to slow his eyes down where others didnt’ notice.  I smile as I write this thinking back on the memories of him making leaps and bounds over obstacles….never once complaining.  NEVER.  Almost 11, doesn’t feel sorry for himself.  He is one of the most caring, kind hearted kids I have ever known.  Yes, children say stuff about it but one of the best memories I have is when one of his teachers told me she over heard him telling the kids all about it.  SHe said by the time he explained it, they were upset they weren’t special and they wanted Nystagmus.

One thing he jokes about is that when he is sick or nervous, his eyes go 90 to nothing.  So it is like a built in lie detector. lol.  And it is….trust me. 

The thing I admire about him is that he is so kind hearted and is drawn to kids with disabilities, or kids that are bullied.  Every teacher since 2nd grade says he is the kid that reaches out to the kids that are having a hard time.  He doesn’t judge people….he has a true love for humanity.

Years later we also learned he had hearing loss in both ears.  I cried secretly, never in front of him.  Thinking why my son?  Why have one more thing to draw attention to him?  But I now know why…these things were his destiny.  He has since helped other kids with hearing aids to tell them, “it’s no big deal really…just don’t forget and leave em in your pocket cause my mama says both of them cost more than her car…”.  Then he found a out a nystagmus kid started his school that was a 3rd grader.  The principal called me, teary to tell me my son approached her and said, “can you give him my cell number, incase he ever needs me or has questions…I am kinda a pro at this.”

I think that everything that happened to him did happen to him for a reason.  His mission is to help others and he does….already at not even 11 years old yet.

He brings comfort to kids, grown-ups and always has the best attitude about life.  His laugh is contagious.

This past summer I took him to see his favorite band.  I worried that he would not get close enough to see them (Kicking Daiseys) or that the amps would bother his ears.  Turns out he got super close to see them, hear them, and then I pushed him through the line to meet them.  I cried because at 10, this was his dream.  I whispered to one of the lead singers, Carly and told her how much it meant for me for him to meet them.  She seen I was teary and I told her that he had hearing loss and Nystagmus and is such a good kid.  Carly, being a young girl herself and a famous teen, made the decision to step out and catch us as we walked away.  There was a LINE of kids to meet them.  But yet, Carly…with tears in her eyes, ran to catch CJ (that is my son’s name), and the lead singer, Duran came too.  They hugged him, shook his hand and told them how awesome they thought he was.  I am crying as I write this because at that moment-through all his surgeries, struggles, trials…he was the cool kid.  Kids everywhere were snapping pictures of my baby with Carly and Duran from Kicking Daiseys.  Then Ben and Caitlin.  They signed his cell phone, their gatorade bottles, tshirt, gave him a CD.  He says it was the best night of his life.   They made a fan for life in not just him, but me.

I often think that the world would be such a better place if there were more people as kind hearted as him.  He sincerely believes he will change the world one day and you know what?  I believe he already has.  He made me a better person and everyone that meets him too.   He has my sense of humor and his daddy’s scientific mind.  Says he is going to be a teacher but is also going to cure Nystagmus….so you heard it here first folks.  My CJ will be the scientist that cures the world of Nystagmus.  But most importantly…he will grow into a man that sees the world through special eyes and that shaped him into who he is.  That is why he is my hero….

And FYI, CJ attends regular school, reads regular books (and lots of them), tried soccer (realized sports isn’t for him but music sure is), does takwondo and currently is starting guitar lessons.  He is the Manager for his brothers football team, gotten Astronaut of the year award, 3 reading awards.  Yes, his eyes get tired…but you wouldn’t know it, cause he would never complain about it….. 

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home) (by AdeleVEVO)

~<3~ Her voice brings me peace ~<3~